Killing fools like it’s 1482!

I’ve never played the first Assassin’s Creed (aside from a few minutes at a friend’s house), but after hearing all the accolades and all the mentions of it being a potential candidate for GOTY alongside Uncharted 2 (my personal choice) and MW2, I felt compelled to check it out. Here’s my impressions:

MAIN POSITIVE:

So what did I like about it? Obviously, its most striking aspect is the richly detailed and addictively immersive world. It’s simply absurd how gorgeous this game looks. Forget those tickets to Italy, thank you…I’ll be just fine visiting the place from right here on my couch.

And it’s not just the graphics that make running through the Renaissance streets so engrossing; Every random pedestrian I bump into, every silly antic I pull in one of the sprawling towns, they’re all met with realistic reactions from the environment. It doesn’t feel like I’m running around a world of hollow mannequins…the experience comes off genuine, a Venice, Florence, Tuscany, etc. teeming with life.

MAIN NEGATIVE:

Ok, so it all sounds great so far, right? But here’s the problem…as stunning as those streets and rooftops look, it can be a downright frustrating experience moving around in it. Ezio (the playable character) usually glides along gracefully enough, but every now and then, he’ll inexplicable decide, “Hey, I know you just want me to do a simple jump to that ledge over there, but screw you, I’m gonna run up this wall instead or jump off the roof to my death”. The controls don’t like you, and there will be moments that you’ll want to toss the sixaxis right through a wall. It’s inescapable, and a shame too, since the aggravation is enough to take you out of the moment and shatter your illusions of being a kickass assassin.

ANYTHING ELSE?

- It never gets old killing some giant meathead with his very own axe. Those kill-shot animations are so damn satisfying.

- The “follow/tail” missions desperately need to go. They’re mindnumbingly boring, overly long, and emphasize how stupid the controls can be at times.

- Combat gets very tedious after you kill the same group of guys for the bazillionth time. Yeah, I guess there are only so many ways a guard can look like, but the lack of enemy variety really puts a damper on the gameplay.

- Excellent side quest missions make full use of the beautiful work they did in designing the maps. The “Assassin Tomb” platforming sequences were a blast and especially well thought out. It took a bit of planning to traverse through them efficiently, and they’re also set up in a way to prevent control issues from interfering.

GRADE: 7/10 (looks like a Ferrari, drives like a mule)

I’m totally his bitch.

So I do believe I’ve reached my first real wall in FFVA. I’m facing Exdeath now in World 2, and I’m getting straight up pwned time and again. Nothing seems to be working. My team currently consists of a lv34 Bartz (Samurai), lv33 Krile (Summoner/White), lv34 Lenna (Summoner/White), and lv 34 Faris (Ninja).

Mind you, if that lineup looks funky, it’s because I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing with the job classes and skills, really. It’s been trial and error for the most part, but this seems to be the most potent combo I can manage at the moment. Against Exdeath, Bartz is dealing about 700 dmg, Faris about 1,900 (thanks to dual wield, equip swords, and one of the weapons being a twin lance which attacks twice), Krile rakes in about 1,600 with her Titan summon, and Lenna around 1,100 with that same attack.

Problem is one of the summoners (and eventually both) are relegated to healing duties because of Exdeath’s magic spams, and the physical damage dealers tend to only land about 75% of attacks or so. I tried reflect, shell, and other good stuff, but it’s only prolonging the inevitable. Reflect turned out to be a particularly a bad idea, considering it negates my own heals.

I’m guessing I just have to resort to JRPG’s time-honored tradition of grinding the hell out of my characters and level them up about 5 more levels. That might do the trick. Only thing is that I’m getting a little tired of the game, so I’m contemplating whether it’s really worth the trouble or not. I’m most likely gonna put this on the backburner for now unless a great idea suddenly strikes me (any of you wise folk got any suggestions?), and hopefully I’ll pick it up again one day with renewed vigor.

Don’t worry, ya bastards. I’ll be back for you guys later. Maybe.

It’s 9,000 times over 9,000!!!

Dragon Ball Kai may very well be the greatest thing to ever grace humanity, the planet, and everything else in existence since the dawn of time. And possibly even before then, too.

…

So yeah, I admit there may be some nostalgia-ladened bias in that statement, but honestly, how can you watch this show and not be as happy and giddy as a little kid again? (By being a grumpy ol’ curmudgeon who hates happiness, fun, and anything else that’s right in the world, that’s how. But screw those guys. Let them live in their colorless, DBK-empty lives.)

The truth is that Akira Toriyama is simply the one true genius to rule all geniuses. Shut up, Einstein, and sit the fuck down, Shakespeare. As much as I loved DBZ back in the day, hindsight makes it painfully clear what a sorry mess that was with all the stall tactics and hideous filler (Goku and Piccolo taking driving lessons obviously being the sole exception, of course).

However, at the base of it was something pure and fantastic, the thing that motivated me to sludge through the crap and ride out the 5+ episodes it took for Goku to fly two goddamn feet.

“F#%K! Ah, it’s okay, I’ll be back in a couple episodes.”

That special something is what DB Kai is all about. Gone are the pointlessly dragged out stare-downs, the hours upon hours of reaction shots, and anything else that stands in our way of blissful entertainment. Each episode is simply one epic event after another, and it never lets up. Ever. I mean, not even two or three episodes passed by following Vegeta’s bitter defeat to Earth’s Greatest Champion before they were already globetrotting around on Namek! Freaking Namek!!

“See? Good as new.”

…and all this was just my impression of the show before the Ginyu Force made their grand appearance.

Getting the band back together again.

The brilliant fools. Needless to say, minds were blown, the earth was shaken, women and children cried in the streets while men wept manly tears of joy. So get started on watching this timeless classic in the making if you haven’t already. It’s also scientifically proven to make you 20 pounds lighter and live twice as long. I ain’t even gonna lie.

No, that’s a terrible, terrible lie…I actually love the kittens out of that place. It’s just that thanks to their glorious “Buy 2, Get 1 Free” deal, I’ve now got a stack of games sitting on my desk and giving me the staredown as I try to survive the semester. Being a grad student inherently means I no longer get to have a life – that is, until December 21st, when I’ll earn a well-deserved respite.

And, oh, what a respite it shall be. For that one month of winter-breakness, I’ll be doing nothing but gaming, reading, and watching. So what’s on the to-do list? (as I say to no one in particular)

1.) Uncharted 2: Sweet Moe, I want to play this so badly. I loved the first one to pieces, and from all the hype I’ve heard around the great net, the sequel seems to outmatch the first one in every regard. I’m anticipating this beast to break into my Top 10 list. Will it live up to that?

2.) Borderlands: I hope people will still be playing this in a couple months. It’d be just my luck to finally get a chance to catch the buzz only to have everybody else already move on to the Next Big Thing.

3.) Demon’s Souls: I’m so looking forward to getting my face smeared across the floor.

4.) Ratchet & Clank: A Crank in Time: This’ll be my first venture into the series, and it looks absolutely delicious. I think I’ve heard someone compare it to a mix of Mega Man and Crash Bandicoot, which is just a remarkably genius idea. Hell, it even borders on my blueprint for Strippers With Beer-Dispensing Boobs. I got a copyright on that, bitches, so no touchies.

5.) Metroid Prime Trilogy: It’s about goddamn time I play this. I mean, it IS the Citizen Kane of videogames after all.

Don’t worry…we’ll have our together time soon enough, Samus.

6.) Final Fantasy V Advance: I been hit with a bit of the nostalgia bug. It seems I’m playing this whenever I get a free moment now and then (I really shouldn’t), and it works well in short servings.

So there you have it. Looks like I’m booked for the winter…and that’s not even counting the 70+ books on my to-read list or the TV shows I want to catch up on (Dexter, The Office, Always Sunny, Star Wars Clone Wars, House, Supernatural, Bones, etc.). Seems like the only thing I’m still up-to-date with these days is anime.

I think I’ll just end this with a big ol’ LE SIGH.

Keep on dreamin’, Chi. One day you’ll win. You and me both, pal.